Musings of the Chronologically Challenged™ Fourth Generation
Monday, February 09, 2004
While cleaning out some files over the weekend, I came across an article from November 2002 by John Hawkins of Right Wing News. "Politically Correct Fairy Tales" are twistedly funny and worth a re-run. If you missed them then, here's a second chance at some unique entertainment. Thanks to John Hawkins, again. And thanks to my mother who taught me well "never throw anything away"!!
POLITICALLY CORRECT FAIRY TALES
By John Hawkins
Are you sick and tired of those "conservative" fairy tales? Are you an American liberal or someone from Europe who thinks those fairy tales teach values that no longer need to be promoted in today's world? Well, RWN is coming to your rescue with our "Politically Correct Fairy Tales!"
Hansel and Gretel
Hansel and Gretel were lost in the woods when they came upon a house made of candy and cake. An old witch invited them in and then captured both of them intending to eat them. Gretel had a chance save both of them by pushing the old woman in an oven but she decided that it would be wrong not to respect the witch's cultural traditions. So Gretel and her brother allowed themselves to be cooked and eaten. The witch was so happy with the children's actions that she invited all of her witch friends to the area. Soon thereafter, they ate every child in a hundred mile radius. Soon the whole area was filled with nothing but child eating witches and all the witches were very happy!
The Moral of the Story: You must respect the culture of others, even at your own expense!
Fisherman and the Fish
An old man finds a fish. The fish says "Let me go, old man. I will reward you for my freedom by giving you anything you desire". The old man at the behest of his wife makes wish after wish. Finally, the fish decides the old man and his wife are being too greedy and takes everything he gave them away. Then the man and his wife hire Johnny Cochran and sue the federal government for not having federal regulations in place to prevent wishing fish from unfairly taking away previously given magical spoils. The judge ruled in their favor and they were both given 500 million dollars worth of taxpayer funds with which they lived happily ever after.
The Moral of the Story: It's the federal government's responsibility to fix every bad thing that happens in the world.
The Three Billy-Goats Gruff
The first and second billy goat gruffs were stopped from going across a bridge to get food by a troll. Then the biggest and baddest billy goat gruff showed up. He told the troll he was going to kick his @ss. That greatly upset the first and second of the billy goats gruff who accused the third billy goat gruff of "hegemony" and "imperialism" and said that negotiation was the way to go. So the third billy goat gruff went away. Unfortunately, the troll refused to negotiate and the first two billy goats gruff starved to death.
The Moral of the Story: It's better to starve to death than to fight!
The Three Little Pigs
There were once three little pigs. The first little pig built his house out of straw. But the big bad wolf easily knocked it down. Then he ran to the second pig's house which was made out of sticks. But the wolf came there and knocked it down too. Then both pigs ran to the American pig's house which was made out brick. When the wolf came there, the American pig pulled out a gun and blew his stinking head off. Afterwards, both little pigs who lost their houses started building their houses out of straw again. When the American pig asked them why they accused the American of being an "arrogant jerk" and of "acting unilaterally". But they secretly knew the American would always save them, just like he did in WW1 and WW2 so they could afford not to be prepared.
The Moral of the Story: Even though Americans are helpful, they're real creeps!
The Ants and the Grasshopper
All summer long the ants worked and prepared for the winter while the grasshopper went to Rage Against the Machine concerts and played Everquest. The grasshopper laughed and laughed at the ants for working so hard. Then winter came. The ants had plenty of food and shelter while the grasshopper had none. So the government took the ants tax money and built the grasshopper a house, gave him welfare cheese to eat, and paid for courses at the local university that the grasshopper didn't bother to go to. When the ants complained everyone agreed that they were greedy rich jerks for having more than the grasshopper.
The Moral of the Story: Taking money from people who work hard and giving it to the lazy is compassionate!
>^..^< Big Arm Woman summed it up very well on Feb 6. "Repeat after me: It was an inappropriate tit. A publicity stunt perpetrated by an aging sex symbol, a man-child desperate to one-up his ex on the "shocking" scale, and a broadcasting company so mired in sleaze that it never occurred to them that turning the Super Bowl into a titty bar might be a little over the top bad taste-wise." The entire post is here.
>^..^< Yellow Dog For President! At the moment, he's my favorite!
>^..^< Schumer's Last Stand? This could become downright hair-raising.
>^..^< Maybe I'm the last to find it, but here's Hallmark's page of e-cards for our troops. Some especially for Valentine's Day. The musical backgrounds are surprisingly good too.
>^..^< Red Neck Video Game
Just in case you have nothing else to do! WARNING: This can become addictive.
POINTS TO PONDER
~~ In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal...
~~ Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
~~ Life is sexually transmitted...
~~ Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die...
~~ Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks...
~~ Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing...
~~ Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents???
~~ Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first...
~~ You read about all these Terrorists. Most of them came here legally,but they hung around on these expired visas some for as long as 10-15 years. Now,compare that to Blockbuster: you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of immigration & Homeland Security...
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the old man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the driver's window.
"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The geezer looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper and I thought you were him bringing her back."
The trooper replied, "Have a nice weekend, sir."