Musings of the Chronologically Challenged™ Fourth Generation
Thursday, April 24, 2003
Fantasy Presidential Address
What follows is the text of a presidential address to be given by President Bush on July 4, 2003. The source of this material remains unidentified.
My fellow Americans:
As you all know, the defeat of Iraq's regime has been completed. The discovery and destruction of all weapons of mass destruction have been covered thoroughly in the press. A new Iraqi government has been established and appears to be stable. Our mission in Iraq is complete.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days.
It is now time to begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.
The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.
The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.
Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.
In the out years, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home.
I am ordering the immediate withdrawal of all US forces from Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, and all other Middle Eastern nations. Leave us alone. Solve your own damn problems. Need help? Call Germany.
On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your relatives from the face of the earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.
Regarding the nation of Israel, I have this to say. It seems like everybody has forgotten what happened to European Jewry during the 1930s and World War II. Our nation will never permit the destruction of Israel. No way, Jose.
Nevertheless, to Israel and the Palestinian Authority. Yo, boys. Yank yer heads outta rectal defilade and work out a peace deal. Just note that Camp David is closed. Maybe all of you can go to Russia for negotiations. They have some great palaces there. Big tables, too.
I'm ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.
I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't give a damn about whatever treaty pertains to this. Pay your tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York.
A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are going to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change. Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I'm gonna put 'em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil. Oh, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty---starting now.
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of xenophobia. My response is simple and direct: if you can play that word in Scrabble, do it as soon as your turn comes round.
Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them be saying darn tootin'. Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet.
It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup soccer from America.
We will develop energy independence. We will restructure our nation for its isolationist destiny. I will be sending legislation to Congress tomorrow proposing the first
actions that that august body should take as we move in a new direction.
Finally, I have decided not to run for a second term of office. The First Lady and I will retire to our Texas ranch and have some fun. Laura and I have been talking about takin' one of those cruises up to Alaska. Personally, I could care less who gets elected in 2004. Throw a little fascism into the mix and elect Senator Clinton. She can appoint the editorial board of the New York Times to her Cabinet.
To the nations on List 2, a final thought. Drop dead.
To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you.
God bless America.
Thank you and good night.