Musings of the Chronologically Challenged™ Fourth Generation
Friday, August 29, 2003
>^..^< Denny got ahold of another memo from Barbra. Did you see it yesterday?
>^..^< Betsy directs us to "The Five Commandments" - a must-read.
>^..^< Thanks goodness Chuck's back. Withdrawals were driving me to re-read his Tales.
Ark Building in 2003
The Lord came to Noah, this time in America, in the year 2003. Earth was wicked and overpopulated. The Lord instructed Noah to build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans. "Here's the blueprint," said the Lord. "Hurry - in six months I start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later the rain started. The Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his flooded yard -- and no Ark. "Noah," He roared, "where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "Things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I have violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and the height limitation being exceeded. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision."
"Then Transportation Department and the Department of Highways wanted a bond posted for the future costs of moving power and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of this."
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. No go! I gathered the animals, but then I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in so confined a space."
"Environment Protection Agency decided that I could not build the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. The trades union wants me to hire only Union tradespeople with Ark building experience."
"To make matters worse, Immigration Service and the Internal Revenue Service seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally as well as with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared and the sun began to shine. A rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder. "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" he asked.
"No," sayeth the Lord. "Your Government beat me to it ."