Indigo Insights

Thursday, August 07, 2003
If you dropped in to see more about Swartzenegger, Kobe Bryant, gay bishops, or quotes from politicians of both parties hurling insults, may as well move on. There'll be nothing to see here.

Cannibals in the Mail Box

A plane carrying news anchor Dan Rather, the Reverend Jesse Jackson, NPR reporter Cokie Roberts, and a Navy SEAL crashed in the jungle. After burying the pilot who was killed in the crash, the group hiked through the jungle trying to find civilization. Suddenly, they were captured by cannibals.

They were tied up, led to the cannibal's village, and brought before the chief. The chief said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?"

Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili." The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing
"We Shall Overcome" one last time." The chief said, "Go right ahead, we're listening." Jackson sang the song, and then said, "Now I can die in peace."

Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job til the end." The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The chief turned and said, "And now, mysterious one dressed in black, what is your final wish?" "Kick me in the ass," said the SEAL. "What?" the chief replied. "Will you mock us in your last hour?" "No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the SEAL.

So the chief shoved him into the open and kicked him in the ass. The SEAL went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm H&K P9S from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his MP5N submachine gun, and sprayed the remaining cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, all the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the SEAL was untying the others, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?"

"What!?" said the SEAL, "And have you assholes call ME the aggressor?!?"

[Especially for my SEAL friend in New Jersey]