Musings of the Chronologically Challenged™ Fourth Generation
Wednesday, September 03, 2003
~ To me, a lush carpet of pine needles or spongy grass is more welcome than the most luxurious Persian rug. -Helen Keller
~ Look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better. -Albert Einstein
~ It seems, in fact, as though the second half of a man's life is made up of nothing, but the habits he has accumulated during the first half~ Fyodor Dostoevski, 1821-1881, Russian Novelist
~ Don't ignore the benefits of solitude: "Inside myself is a place where I live alone and that's where you renew your springs that never dry up." - Pearl S. Buck
~ Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip. ~ Will Rogers
MAIL BOX - Kristi, Greenville, NC
1. AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
2. BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.
3. CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
4. HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
5. HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
6. RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
7. INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
8. JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
9. JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
10. JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
11. KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
12. MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
13. MANGER: (1). Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (2). The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
14. PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.
15. PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and all the late parishioners looking for seats.
16. RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd out to the parking lot.
17. RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
18. TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
19. USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
MAIL BOX - Anonymous
Bill, Hillary, and Al Gore were all killed in a plane crash, and went to Heaven together. There they encountered God, sitting on His magnificent throne . God said to Bill, "Well, you've certainly led an interesting life. What can you tell me about your convictions, that might entitle you to sit at my side?" Bill said, "I believe in the inherent goodness of mankind, the need for us to help each other, and the ability we each have to make each other happy." God said, "That sounds good. You may sit here at My right hand."
Then He looked down at Gore from His magnificent throne, and said, "Al Gore, what can you tell me about your convictions?" Gore replied, "I believe that we are put here to protect the earth and each other, to value all of Your creatures, and to obey Your word. God said, "That's good. You may sit here at My left hand."
Then He looked down at Hillary and said, "What can you tell me about your beliefs and convictions?" Hillary replied, "I believe you're sitting in my chair."
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."