Musings of the Chronologically Challenged™ Fourth Generation
Sunday, September 07, 2003
The upcoming week may not be a time for laughs or giggles, so I'm cleaning out some miscellaneous, meaningless mess. There will no doubt be plenty of serious material blogged next week, which I will read, admire, and possibly link, but I will leave the essays up to the erudite bloggers. They're in a league of their own, after all; an enviable league, I might add. So without further ado, grin a little! [Email address: indigoinsights [at] hotmail [dot] com]
A pompous minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I would rather be savagely raped by a dozen brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."
An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her. "I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be very dangerous. "I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."
"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider that cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too." "Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home."
True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector. He said he would put another one on immediately. "Also," said the Amish woman, "The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."
*Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.
*Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.
*Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
*Meanness don't happen overnight.
*To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.
*Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't helpful.
*Teachers, bankers, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.
*Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
*Don't corner something meaner than you.
*Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as flowers or weeds.
*It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
*Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.
*You can't unsay a cruel thing.
*Every path has some puddles.
*When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
YOU MIGHT BE A YANKEE IF - - - -
~you don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
~you would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
~more than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
~you would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
~instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
~you don't think Howard Stern has an accent
~you have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.
~you think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
~you don't have at least one can of WD*40 somewhere around the house.
~the last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.
MAIL BOX -
from Ian Snyder, Gardiner, ME
I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace....
It reads: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started." I looked around to see all the things I started and hadn't finished. So, today I have finished one bottle of white wine, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Baileys, my Prozac, a large box of chocolates and a quart of beer. You have no idea how foud I geel.
You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace.
from Greg, Ayden, NC
Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs. His wife Hillary got $8 million for hers. That's $20 million for memories from two people who for eight years repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.
MORE GREAT QUOTES FROM THE DENNY WILSON ARCHIVES
~~The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools --Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher(1820-1903)
~~There is no distinctly native American criminal class save Congress. --Mark Twain
~~Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that. --Bill Clinton
via Betsy and Kevin
Zell Miller has written a book about how the Democratic party has written off the South.
"'Once upon a time, the most successful Democratic leader of them all, FDR, looked south and said, 'I see one-third of a nation ill-housed, ill clad, ill nourished'," Miller writes in the 255-page book. "Today our National Democratic leaders look south and say, 'I see one third of a nation and it can go to hell.' "