Musings of the Chronologically Challenged™ Fourth Generation
Friday, January 16, 2004
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY DIL BETTY JO!!!
(So what did you expect? A Yankee name?)
>^..^< Don't miss Jack's entertaining and profound blog on TEACHING MATH over at Random Fate.
>^..^< If you're wearing Depends, click here for the funniest bit I've seen yet on Howard Dean. And remember the Democratic Party's official anthem for the campaign: "You Can't Always Get What You Want!"
>^..^< Have you visited Cathy's and Garland's page lately? Lots of new stuff, and their guide to The Blogosphere just keeps growing and growing and growing. Good links too. Especially (for me) the Blues links. With soundtracks!
NEW SEARCH SITE
Disability Law, North State Blogger J. Kevin Morton links a neat new search site: Neat Google Numbers Searches
Tom Mighell over at Inter Alia reports that Google has added more snazzy number searches:
-- Area code -- enter an area code (214) and the first link is a map of the area.
-- VIN -- just enter a Vehicle Identification Number, and you'll get a link to CarFax vehicle history reports.
-- Flight Tracking -- all you need is an airline and a flight number, and you'll get links that allow you to track the flight.
-- UPC number -- entering the universal product code found on any bar code will take you to a link describing the product. Interestingly, when I entered the UPC number on a package on my desk, I got not only the UPC link, but also a link to track a Fedex package...... JKM
MORE SIGNS FROM CHRISTINA
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
At a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
MIRTH FROM THE MAIL BOX
Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a Tennessee Mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day of boot camp, the Army issued him a toothbrush. That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth.
On his second day, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head.
On his third day, he was issued a jock strap....
The Army is still looking for him
[thanks to Ian, Gardiner, Maine]
FROM AN UNEMPLOYED IDIOT SAVANT
1. Key-in the first 3 digits of your phone number into a calculator.
(disregard the area code)
2. Multiply by 80.
3. Add 1
4. Multiply by 250.
5. Add last four digits of phone number.
6. Add last four digits of phone number again.
7. Minus 250.
8. Divide by 2 at last.
********Is it your Phone Number?
[thanks to Bob, Kinston, NC]
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says:
"How's my driving-call 1- 800-"
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
[thanks to Carolyn, Wallace, NC]
DON'T PUT THAT DOG DOWN!!!!!
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So, he picks the dog up, examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What?! Just because he's cross-eyed?!?"
"No, because he's really, really heavy!!"
[from judiu, Beaufort, NC]
From the State where drinking and driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from Texas.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn, turned on the left blinker, then the right, and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as remaining patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station, this breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
[from Karl, Hubert, NC]