Musings of the Chronologically Challenged™ Fourth Generation
Friday, July 09, 2004
Cleaning out the Mailbox
THE MIDDLE WIFE
by an Anonymous 2nd Grade Teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant and says: "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."
"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord." She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh, and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going,'Oh, oh, oh!'" Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!" Now the kid's doing this hysterical duck walk,
holding her back and groaning.
"My Dad called the Middle Wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall. "And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!"
This kid has her legs spread, and with her little hands she's miming water flowing away. It was too much!
"Then the Middle Wife starts saying 'push, push, and breathe, breathe.' They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along. Life is meant to be lived . . enjoy!
"If you can read this, thank a teacher....and since it's in English, thank a soldier."
[from Kirsten, Greenville, NC]
Hey Mostly Cajun and Cajun Ken! Is this a true story?
A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way... but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking for the highly prized shoes. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a decent price!"
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, y'all just go and give it a try, why don'cha!" The blonde turned on her heel and headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch herself an alligator. Later inthe day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot 'gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature... and, with a great deal of effort, hauls it onto the slimy swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper stands on the bank and watches this scenario in amazed silence.
Just then, the blonde struggles and flips the 'gator on its back. Then, rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out, "Damn, this one is barefoot, too!"
Alternate Meanings for Words
Once again, The Washington Post published its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. And the winners are...
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.\10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
14. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
[from Tom, SLC]
A Rabbi's Advice
A Jewish businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing; he had put everything he had into the business; he owed everybody. It was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a Rabbi and poured out his story of tears and woe. When he had finished, the Rabbi said,
"Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap."
"Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."
A year later the businessman went back to the Rabbi and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket and gave it to the Rabbi as a donation in thanks for his advice. The Rabbi recognized the benefactor, and was curious.
"You did as I suggested?" he asked.
"Absolutely," replied the businessman.
"You went to the beach?"
"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"
"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"
"And what were the first words you saw?"
The businessman responded, "Chapter 11."
[from Kristi, Greenville, NC]
Jim, did you see this in your local paper?
I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth and one of my sisters, who lives in Pflugerville, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas. I have two brothers, one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview. She is a part time "working girl". All things considered, my problem is this:
I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin who supports John Kerry for President?
Signed, Worried About My Reputation
[from Greg, Ayden, NC]