Still re-grouping in the aftermath of Christmas. (whew) Just so Indigo won't be reported MIA, feast your eyes on some of her pasties.
from The Road Atlas
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
"I think that's how Chicago and Detriot got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law."
"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
--Unknown, presumed deceased
MORE JOKES FROM DICK & JANE
When my wife and I showed up at a very popular restaurant, it was crowded. My wife went up to the hostess and asked, "Will it be long?" The hostess, ignoring her, kept writing in her book. My wife again asked, "How much of a wait?" The woman looked up. "About ten minutes." A short time later we heard an announcement over the loudspeaker: "Willette B. Long, your table is ready."
Early one Saturday morning, the flashing lights of a police car appeared in my rearview mirror. After checking my license and registration, the officer asked, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" "No," I responded. "One of your tail lights is out," he said. "I'm going to have to issue a warning." "Whew," I said, without thinking. "I thought it was because my inspection had expired."
For years I've been getting a terrific rotisserie chicken from a nearby restaurant. One night as I placed an order to go, I told the girl behind the counter, "I'll pick it up later. Do you want my name?" "Oh, no," she said. "I've seen you come in here a lot." Then she scribbled something on a piece of paper. Feeling flattered, I did my errands. When I grabbed my order, I glanced at her note on the bag: "Old man in the pink shirt."
The U.S. Constitution doesn't guarantee happiness, only the pursuit of it. You have to catch up with it yourself.
It is one of the most beautiful compensations of life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.
Worry is a misuse of the imagination.
One cannot help being old, but one can resist being aged.