Musings of the Chronologically Challenged™ Fourth Generation
Monday, March 21, 2005
It's going to take a little time for me to get back in the loop after such a long break! My Inbox overfloweth, so I may as well paste some INCOMING as a start. Just to get 'warmed up' - so to speak. --Indigo
EXCERPTS FROM GRADE SCHOOL STUDENTS' PAPERS
from Christina, Swansboro, NC
* The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
* A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
* (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
* The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
* Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
* The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.
* The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
* The parts of speech are lungs and air.
* We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
* One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
* A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.
* One by-product of raising cattle is calves.
* The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
* The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
* The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
* The future of "I give" is "I take."
* Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
* Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
* In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.
from Bob, Kinston, NC
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
WHY THIS COUNTRY IS IN TROUBLE
from Greg, Ayden, NC
A Travel Agent in Washington, DC, says she has an answer as to why this country is in trouble! Consider these examples:
I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response, (click).
A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that in Orlando it is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!"
I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."
An aide for a Bush (41) cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 a.m. and got into Chicago at 8:33 a.m.. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that is very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute while I 'looked into it' (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just
putting a destination tag on her luggage.
A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL, on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!"
A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have
one of those." I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations. "I wanted to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport codein the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was one of those big animals!" she said.
from Jimmy, Ayden, NC
Jake, the rancher went one day,
To fix a distant fence.
The wind was cold and gusty;
The clouds rolled gray and dense.
As he pounded the last staples in
And gathered his tools to go,
The temperature had fallen;
The wind and snow began to blow.
When he finally reached his pickup,
He felt a heavy heart;
From the sound of that ignition,
He knew it wouldn't start!
So Jake did what most of us would do,
Had we been there.
He humbly bowed his balding head
And sent aloft a prayer.
As he turned the key for one last time,
He softly cursed his luck.
They found him three days later,
Frozen stiff in that old truck.
Now Jake had been around in life
And done his share of roaming.
But when he saw Heaven, he was shocked --
It looked just like Wyoming !
Of all the saints in Heaven,
His favorite was St. Peter.
(Now, this line ain't really needed,
But it helps with rhyme and meter)
So they set and talked a minute or two,
Or maybe it was three.
Nobody was keeping score --
In Heaven time is free.
"I've always heard," Jake said to Pete,
"That God will answer prayer,
But one time when I asked for help,
Well, HE just plain wasn't there."
"Does God answer prayers of some,
and ignore the prayers of others?
That don't seem exactly square --
I know all men are brothers."
"Or does he randomly reply,
Without good rhyme or reason?
Maybe, it's the time of day,
The weather or the season."
"Now I ain't trying to act smart,
It's just the way I feel.
And I was wondering, could you tell me --
What the heck's the deal?!"
Peter listened patiently,
And when old Jake was done,
There were smiles of recognition,
And he said, "So, you're the one!!"
"That day! Your truck; It wouldn't start,
And you sent your prayer a flying,
You gave us all a real bad time,
With hundreds of us all trying."
"A thousand angels rushed,
To check the status of your file,
But you know, Jake,
We hadn't heard from you, in quite a long while."
"And though all prayers are answered,
And God ain't got no quota,
He didn't recognize your voice,
And started a truck in Minnesota !"
BETTER KEEP IN TOUCH!