Indigo Insights

Friday, September 30, 2005


Southern Football vs. Northern Football

Women's Accessories:
NORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
SOUTH: Brand new sun dress with sorority pins proudly displayed. Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary -- that's what dates are for.

Stadium Size:
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.

NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.

Campus Decor:
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.

Homecoming Queen:
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America .

NORTH: Rudy Giuliani
SOUTH: Paul "Bear" Bryant

Getting Football Tickets:
NORTH: One hour before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and purchase tickets.
SOUTH: Five months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and put your name on waiting list for tickets.

Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have classes on Friday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class.

NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.

Game Day:
NORTH: A few students hang out in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up North who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never broadcast from their campus.

NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: Fully stocked bar, complete with bartender that has traveled with the family for generations, just in case a few thousand of your closest friends stop by before the game. 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by your favorite local band, who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off your bottle of bourbon.

Getting to the Stadium:
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the state's third largest city.

NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's logos & mascot on it, filled half way with extra ice and a little soda, to ensure plenty of room for bourbon.

When National Anthem is Played:
NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.

The Smell in the Air After the First Score:
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.

Commentary (Male):
NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: "@#$%^^$, you slow &@#$%! &@#$ tackle him and break his $%$#@$# legs!"

Commentary (Female):
NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: "@#$%^^$, you slow &@#$%! &@#$ tackle him and break his $%$#@$# legs!"

NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of Alma Mater.

After the Game:
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker. The band starts it's post game set and planning begins for next week's game.