Musings of the Chronologically Challenged™ Fourth Generation

 


DOG DAYS OF SUMMER
Yes, I know the first day of summer is not until Saturday - June 21st. But since A/C has been off and on here since March - and continuously for weeks - today is close enough for me!

Quotes from the Dog Run
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
-Fran Lebowitz

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
-Ann Landers

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."
-Will Rogers

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
-Ben Williams

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."
-Josh Billings


Dedicated to The Axis of Weevil
In Alabama, a good ol' boy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that crap he told you."


More Dog Run Quotes
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
-Andrew A.Rooney

"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal
man has ever made."
-M .Facklam

"Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and
hate."
-Sigmund Freud

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
-James Thurber

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
-Robert Benchley


Cold Water
Jim Bob went to visit his 90 year old grandpa in a secluded, rural area of the state. The next morning, Grandpa prepared breakfast for them, consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned Grandpa......"Are these plates clean?"

Grandpa replied...."Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandpa made for lunch, Jim Bob noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes....so he asked again...."Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his hamburger, Grandpa said......"I told you before, Jim Bob, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask me about it anymore!"

Later that afternoon, as Jim Bob was on his way out the door to get the newspaper, the dog started to growl and would not let him pass......."Grandpa, your dog won't let me out."

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, Grandpa shouted........"Coldwater, move!"


Final Dog Run Quotes
"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard."
-Dave Barry

"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise."
-Unknown

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken,
pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
-Anne Tyler


A Pious Dog Story
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.

At a kennel specializing in a particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally quickly, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home.

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called in the dog and showed off a little.

The friends were impressed and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.

Well, they said. "Let's try this out." Once more they called the dog and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration and bowed his head.


Parting Shots
Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving




posted by HCL at 8:43 PM