Musings of the Chronologically Challenged™ Fourth Generation
Thursday, October 09, 2003
There's nothing here. Nothing new. Nothing to say. Nothing exciting. Nothing that motivates me. Nothing I want to comment on. I am in a Doldrum of Dearth. However, since Chuck Myguts is away on one of his notorious fishing trips this week and Compleat Redneck is so busy, it may be a good time to get the Redneckery blog up. I didn't want to hurt their feelings with this one and hopefully they'll miss it. Good. So, without further ado, here's a clean sweep on the accumulated Redneck Material.
You Know You're A Redneck When......
> The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
> You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
> You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws
> You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
> Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people."
> You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
> Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey watch this."
> You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
> Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
> Your junior prom had a daycare.
> You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."
> You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
> One of your kids was born on a pool table.
> You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
> You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
> You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
> Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.
You'll Know Yours Is A Redneck Church If:
~The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
~People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
~When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering;" five guys and two women stand up.
~Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
~A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
~The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."
~Boone's Farm "Tickle Pink" is the favorite wine for communion.
~In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
~Baptism is referred to as "branding."
~There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.
~High notes on the organ set the dogs to howling.
~People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
~The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized livestock watering trough.
~The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
~The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.
Redneck Driving Etiquette
> Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
> When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
> Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
> When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
> Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
> Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
> Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Redneck Personal Hygiene
> Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
> If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
> While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
> Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. (Note: It's a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.)
Redneck Dining Out
> Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.
STORY OF THREE DEAD BODIES
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector." says the Coroner.
"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy Bob, the redneck from Alabama, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."
BUBBA AND JIMMY JOE
One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"
"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.
"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want'. So I took the truck!"
"Bubba, you're a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"
THE COLLEGE REDNECK
A professor at the University of West Virginia is giving a lecture on the supernatural.To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts,do any of you think you've seen a ghost.?” About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?” 15 students raise their hands.
“Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?” 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic.” said the professor, “But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Billy Bob, way in the back of the lecture hall, raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. As he reached the front of the room, the professor says, "Well, so tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
"Welllllll Shiiiiiit!!!!” says Joe Bob. “From way back thar I thought you said Goats!!!!!”
[Thank goodness Chuck and Billy Joe Bob missed these.]