Musings of the Chronologically Challenged™ Fourth Generation
Monday, March 22, 2004
>^..^< There's just nothing sweeter than an accolade from someone you admire. Sunday's essay shows why the admiration is so deserved. And THIS reminder from her post should never be forgotten. Please save and view it regularly. Never forget.
>^..^< Hank, over at Federal Review, wonders if the Kerrys are jerks!!! I wonder why he would wonder that.
>^..^< Here's an intriguing and possibly revealing self-test: What's Your Spiritual Type?
>^..^< Tell me here: indigoinsights[at]hotmail[dot]com
Billy the Blogging Poet™ has posted so beautifully about Spring in North Carolina, I needn't type a word. Here's Billy's paragraph:
"Compared to much of the world, Spring comes early to the Carolinas. The spring winds blow in a whole new season filled with emerging life, new lives and newly returned lives like the many birds who come home to nest, the daffodils pushing themselves up from their bulbs buried just inches below the surface of the earth, or tulips, their little blooms facing upward until growth causes their own weight to cause them to bow their heads as if they were paying homage to the goddess Spring herself."
TWENTY SPECIAL 'SOUTHERNISMS'
1.) Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit and that you don't "HAVE" them, -- you "PITCH" them.
2.) Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess."
3.) Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
4.) Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
5.) All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.
6.) All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
7.) Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!)
8.) Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
9.) Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
10.) No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
11.) A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun (i.e. chicken and all the "fixins"), a verb (I'm fixin it.), or an adverb (I'm fixin to go to town, wanna go?).
12.) Only a true Southerner knows that the term "booger" can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger," a first name, or something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.
13.) Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues", we do "lines," and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!
14.) Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
15.) True Southerners never refer to more than one person as "y'all".....it's "all y'all".
16.) True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
17.) Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
18.) When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
19.) Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet Milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
20.) And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.
+ Don't let your worries get the best of you - remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
+ Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.
+ Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
WORK PLACE HUMOR
=== Half Price ===
US Air recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
=== Life After Death ===
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir," the new employee replied. "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"
MORE FROM TWISTED STEVEN WRIGHT
*****The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
*****Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
*****I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.
*****I had my coathangers spayed.
*****I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
*****I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
*****Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.