Musings of the Chronologically Challenged™ Fourth Generation
Monday, June 06, 2005
Occasionally, you may have seen an INCOMING from my friend, Christina. She was a federal employee in DC until she retired a few years ago - during the Clinton years, I believe. Her daughter is married to a USMC officer, so after her retirement Christina moved to Swansboro to be near her family. That's when I met her. We exchange emails about interesting or entertaining subjects of all stripes. Yesterday I received the following from her.
A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE POLITICAL WORLD
Division of the human family into two distinct political groups began some 12,000 years ago. Humans then existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived mainly on deer and other game in the mountains in the summer and would migrate to the coast and subsist on seafood in winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to give man easier access to the beer.
These two enormous innovations were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were yet invented, so our early human ancestors were forced to live relatively close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbecue at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement."
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbecues and doing the cleaning, sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as "girlie men."
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the trade union, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, sensitivity training and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that coervatives provided.
Over the years, conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals will drink imported beer, but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish and vegetables. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, educators, Hollywood actors and directors, government employees, non-profit organizations and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented baseball's designated hitter rule because it just wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat rare red meat and provide and care for their women. Conservatives are entrepreneurs, big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers-sailors-marines, athletes, and generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide how to redistribute their earnings. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. The liberals crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get something for nothing, from the fruits of others' labor.
Here ends today's lesson in the evolution of mankind.