Indigo Insights |
|
|
Musings of the Chronologically Challenged™ Fourth Generation 
|
Friday, July 29, 2005
LIGHTENING UP From the Chest of Nuts The Thoughtful Lawyer One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along" the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also." The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high." ________________________________________ 50th Wedding Anniversary A man and his wife were about to celebrate 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful and wealthy, agreed to a Sunday dinner in honor of their parents. As usual, they were all late and had a varied assortment of excuses. "Happy anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm running late...had an emergency, you know how it is didn't have time to get you both a present." "Not to worry," said the Dad... "The important thing is that we're all together today. " Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom still look great, Dad. Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present... sorry." "It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here." Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello you both, happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing.... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything." Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today." After they all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen you three, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. Well... your mother and I came to this country penniless and desperate. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but... we just never found the time to get married." The three kids gasped and said, "You mean we're BASTARDS?" "Yep," said the Dad...."AND CHEAP ONES TOO!" ______________________________________________________________ OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS Oil Change Instructions for Women: 1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change. 2. Drink a cup of coffee. 3. 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. ***Money spent: ***Oil Change $20.00 ***Coffee $ 1.00 ***Total $21.00 Oil Change Instructions for Men: 1. Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree. 2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard 3. Open a beer and drink it. 4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7. Place drain pan under engine. 8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9. Give up and use crescent wrench. 10. Unscrew drain plug. 11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process. 12. Clean up mess. 13. Have another beer while watching oil drain. 14. Look for oil filter wrench. 15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off. 16. Beer. 17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow. 18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. 19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. 20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday. 21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer. 22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 24. Remember drain plug from step 11. 25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 26. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug. 27. Drink beer. 28. Uncover hole and sift for drain plug. 29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. 30. Drink beer. 31. Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. 32. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31. 33. Begin cussing fit. 34. Throw wrench. 35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob. 36. Beer. 37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow. 38. Beer. 39. Beer. 40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. 41. Beer. 42. Lower car from jack stands. 43. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands. 44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23. 45. Beer. 46. Test drive car. 47. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. 48. Car gets impounded. 49. Make bail. 50. Get car from impound yard. ***Money spent: ***Parts $50.00 ***DUI $2500.00 ***Impound fee $75.00 ***Bail $1500.00 ***Beer $25.00 ***Total-- $4150.00 But you know the job was done right. ___________________________________________________________ Wednesday, July 27, 2005
WARNING: BORING SYNOPSIS FOLLOWS It all started out simply enough. My BlogSon and GrandBlogSon came on a Good Samaritan mission to help the handicapped -- ME! I don't know what caused the malfunctions in my two computers, so I'll just say they both went to hell in a cyber basket after Firefox was installed in April. So the first thing I asked the guru crew to do was UNINSTALL Firefox. The system was just not compatible with the other things that were on my computer. Don't ask me why, because I didn't INSTALL it either. In any case, GrandBlogSon had everything running rather smoothly on the laptop (where I do most of my computer work) when they left on Friday. But when I attempted to post a blog, the nemesis of all amateurs popped on the screen: "Incorrect Password." I know from previous computer glitches that somehow passwords voluntarily change themselves when systems are turned around or altered. I assume that's what happened. So I tried every password I've ever used since 1999. But to no avail. Always the same message: "Incorrect Password." The "whoevers" had thoughtfully planned for this possibility and offered to give me a new password if I indicated one was needed. I did so indicate. They did not respond for three days of multiple emails to them. I can only conjecture that some thread of communication had also broken down in the overhaul, but in any case, I could not get an email through to the "whoevers." Finally last night close to midnight, I was notified that I could go to "this and that" site and register a new password. Which I did, only I entered the same password that I had always used, so I could remember it. Since that one had some how been voided, deleted, or magically vaporized, I figured whatever I entered would be "new". For once, I was right. Again, that was last night. First thing Monday morning -- actually five minutes before Dee, my Girl Friday (who comes on Monday), was due to arrive at work -- she telephoned to let me know that she had taken a full time job and would not be back. She really needed full time work and I don't blame anyone for bettering herself, but to say I was left high and dry and discombobulated, is putting it mildly. Dee was my first caretaker and was with me almost three years. She was my right hand and literally did everything for me that I could not get out to do for myself after I stopped driving. So here it is Monday morning and she says she won't be coming in -- and this is the first day of vacation week for my kids and grandkids who will start coming in that afternoon. Total panic. The house was a wreck and almost wall to wall with shedding dog and cat fur! Fortunately, my daughter was the first to arrive and she took care of the real emergency stuff. Then we started trying to figure out where on earth we could find someone to take Dee's place in just a few days - by next Monday. Enter another Good Samaritan: Dear Denise, the patron saint of down-and-outers of the Crystal Coast! I've told her many times that it would not matter she was not Catholic, upon her death the Swansboro Catholic church would have a new saint's statue on the grounds: Saint Denise!! True to form, she "just happened to know about" a perfect replacement who had recently completed an assignment and was between jobs. Long story somewhat shorter: New Girl Friday, Donna, passed the interview with flying colors. My daughter and I both were impressed with her, but most important, the dogs really liked her. A dog is a great judge of character, you know! The cats, of course, ignored her. Basically, that's the explanation of why no blog posts for the last several days. Bless all of you who kept popping in to see if I was back. Made me feel better to know you were looking for me. The vacation group will leave Sunday. Between now and then, I'll have to play posting by ear as time permits. Thursday, July 21, 2005
THE JOKES ARE ON US, YA'LL SOUTHERNERS Gabriel came to the Lord and said "I have to talk to you. We have some Southerners up here who are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and pig feet bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing." The Lord said, "Southerners will be southerners, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil." The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Hold on a minute." The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?" Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there." The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something." After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?" Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?" The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold on." This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry, Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those Southerners have put out the fire and now they are trying to install air conditioning." YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF: Your standard of living improves when you go camping. Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens. You have jacked up your home to look for a dog. You have a relative living in your garage. Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer. There is a belch on your answering machine greeting. You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode. None of the tires on your van are the same size. You hold the hood of your car with your head while you work on it. Your idea of getting lucky is passing the emissions test. Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade. Your local beauty salon also fixes cars. Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet. You've ever slow danced in the Waffle House. Starting your car involves popping the hood. Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays. You whistle at women in church. You've been in a fistfight at a yard sale. You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the backseat. If you've ever fixed a broken coil primary wire on a car with a safety pin off your date's bra strap, and didn't think the date was unusual. If you've got a matching set of salad bowls that all say "cool whip" on them. If you take the Christmas lights on the front porch down in November, and only long enough to get them working again. You've ever used duct tape to repair dental work. You've unstopped a sink with a shotgun. Your will states your wife can't touch your money 'til she's fourteen. You have to pass through a metal detector to get to a family reunion. Your coffee table is also a cooler. Your mailing address includes the word "holler". The first time you ever saw your wife in lingerie, you had to pay a cover charge. You've sold a car to settle a bar tab. The best sofa you ever had came out of a Chevrolet. You've ever used your bathtub as a punch bowl. If you have ever been accused of lying through your tooth. If you have ever used a barstool as a walker. ALABAMA PREACHER The Alabama preacher rose with an angry red face, saying, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie, and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit that this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel wonderful. Now please stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic, rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!" The preacher fainted. SOUTHERN WOMEN Three cowboys were sitting in a bar discussing women. "I think Southern Women are the prettiest," one of them said. "I think Southern women are the toughest," said another. The third said, "I think they're the most polite. . . That's why they don't like group sex." His friends looked at him, confused. "They don't like group sex?" "Nope, too many thank-you notes." GOLDEN TELEPHONE A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall, and was intrigued with a sign which read, "$10,000 per minute." Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that the golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven, and if he pays the price, he can talk directly to God. The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake City, Denver, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more such phones, with the same sign, and the same explanation from each pastor. Finally, the man arrived in the lovely state of Georgia. Upon entering a church, behold: he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls: 25 cents" Fascinated, the man asked to speak with the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven, and that I could use it to talk to God. But in 20 other churches, the cost was $10,000 per minute. Your sign says 25 cents per call Why is that?" The pastor, smiling benignly, replied: "Son, you're in the South now, and it's a local call." Wednesday, July 20, 2005
INCOMING Just For Fun KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO Alabama Hell Yes, We Have Electricity. Alaska 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! Arizona But It's A Dry Heat. Arkansas Literacy Ain't Everything. California By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda. Colorado If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother. Connecticut Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet. Delaware We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water. Florida Ask Us About Our Grandkids, and Home Of The Early Bird Special Georgia We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism. Hawaii Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money) Idaho More than Just Potatoes... Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good Illinois Please, Don't Pronounce the "S" Indiana 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free Iowa We Do Amazing Things with Corn Kansas First Of The Rectangle States Kentucky Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names Louisiana We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign. Maine We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster Maryland If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It Massachusetts Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's Michigan First Line Of Defense From The Canadians Minnesota 10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes Mississippi Come And Feel Better About Your Own State Missouri Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work Montana Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else. Nebraska Ask About Our State Motto Contest Nevada Hookers and Poker! New Hampshire Go Away And Leave Us Alone New Jersey You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here! New Mexico Lizards Make Excellent Pets New York You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney... North Carolina Tobacco Is A Vegetable North Dakota We Really Are One Of The 50 States! Ohio At Least We're Not Michigan Oklahoma Like The Play, But No Singing Oregon Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner Pennsylvania Cook With Coal Rhode Island We're Not REALLY An Island South Carolina Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet South Dakota Closer Than North Dakota Tennessee The Edyoocashun State ! Texas Se Hablo Ingles Utah Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus Vermont Ay, Yep Virginia Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? Washington We have more rain than you do West Virginia One Big Happy Family...Really! Wisconsin Come Cut The Cheese! Wyoming Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared Monday, July 18, 2005
A busy, busy Monday! People. People in and out all day. And before I realized it, the day was used up and getting up a post was out of the question. Not only was I bone tired, but my brain drain had put up enough writers' blocks to make a wall. But tonight, after everyone left and the house got quiet, I got in some blog surfing and found many good reads at the sites blogrolled at left. When Jennifer Martinez's blog site came up, this is what I read: The Price of Freedom I happened upon this opinion piece by Kit Jarrell quite by accident. As I read her article, I sat here shaking my head in knowing and agreement numerous times. I recommend giving it a read and a resounding HOOAH! I'm going to pass her article onto the Special Operations community, whom I think will appreciate it. Here's an excerpt of what Kit has to say: I cried from the moment Todd Blackburn fell out of the chopper until the end credits rolled, and for a long time after. I cried for the two Delta Force soldiers who were awarded the Medal of Honor. I cried for Dom Pilla, shot out of the top of a Humvee; for Cpl Jamie Smith, who bled to death in a dirty African city while his fellow soldiers tried in vain to hold his femoral artery together. I cried for people like Matt, who I found recently but who I don't think ever really found himself again. The love I have for my country is so deep and profound that it drives everything that I am. My belief in freedom and my willingness to do whatever it takes to defend my flag is second only to my belief in God. Yet there are times when I ask myself what the point is. All these blogs, all these soldiers and veterans and people who understand what the price of freedom is - and yet the country is still clueless. The colleges and their anti-recruiters, the feminists and their sanctioning of killing our children, the constant head-in-the-sand syndrome about Islam and its followers. We're being invaded from the South, by people whose only goal is to have a "better life" by taking what is not theirs. We're being infiltrated by terrorists whose only wish is to see us all dead. Jennifer sends on 07:08 PM | Comments (4) | Trackbacks (0) ----------------------------------------------------------- Please follow this link and read the entire piece. It's a gut grabber. -------------------------- Friday, July 15, 2005
You Just Might Be the Parent of a U. S. Marine by Kolette, proud mom of Cpl Brian Abell, 3/25 WPNS Co. If you find yourself peaking around the corner before you turn down your street checking that no military vehicles are parked in your driveway and if you have nightmares about people wearing royal blue pants with a red stripe ringing your doorbell, ... you just might be the parent of a Marine serving in a combat zone. If you put out your flag everyday and find yourself wanting to rip the face off anyone who disrespects that symbol of our freedom, ... you just might be the parent of a U. S. Marine. If you feel guilty for wishing your son would get 'injured just a little bit' because that would mean he would be safe and comfortable in a hospital for a few weeks, ... you might be the parent of a deployed Marine. If you get really mad at the ignorant idiots who insist that all this fighting is just not necessary and that the world would be at peace if the US would just mind its own business, ... you just might be the parent of a U. S. Marine whose life is on the line to protect the freedoms that these thankless bums take for granted. If you negotiate with God every night before bed and the first thing every morning that if he will just bring your son or daughter home safe, you will do absolutely anything, ...then you are the parent of a Marine stationed in Iraq or Afghanistan. If you deliberately keep yourself very busy, every minute, every day for the sole purpose of distracting yourself from thinking that at that very moment someone, somewhere on the other side of the planet is shooting at your child, ... you just might have a Marine in a combat zone. If your shopping cart contains tuna fish, beef jerky, foot powder, Chapstick, playing cards, disposable shavers, car magazines, a pre-paid phone card and small children's toys, ... you just might be the parent of a Marine who is spending a lot of his time patrolling the streets of Iraq. If your son or daughter is halfway around the world fighting in 120 degree heat with 50 lbs of equipment on their back to preserve our country's freedom while your neighbor's smartass 20-year-old mouths off about our stupid military and you find you have to restrain yourself from slapping the crap out of him, ... you must be the parent of a U. S. Marine. If you feel like an extraordinarily good mother because you know that you would sell your very soul, right now, to buy just one hug from your deployed Marine, ... know that you are actually only the average Marine Mom. If you get calls at 3:00 am and barely recognize the voice of the child you raised between his satellite-delayed comments and then can't get back to sleep because you can't stop analyzing every word he said and kicking yourself for forgetting the things you tried to remember to ask, ... you are the parent of a U. S. Marine who is far from home. If you have memories of a tough, but precious little boy with a dirt-smeared face who idolized He-Man, always had a 'sword' in his belt, and a plastic knife in his boot and later played hockey or football (and definitely paintball) and now has a very pretty girlfriend, ... you just might have raised a U. S. Marine If you are someone who hasn't penned a hand-written letter since the day email was invented, but now cranks them out daily, ... you just might be the parent of an active duty U. S. Marine If your vehicle displays a yellow ribbon AND a red, white and blue ribbon, a USMC magnet, a blue star, a "Marine Mom" license plate holder and an American flag sticker, ... you are a proud mother of a U. S. Marine If you find yourself shamelessly, repeatedly, asking your friends and family to please send cards and packages to your child, .... you are the parent of a deployed Marine If you have never felt more heavy-hearted (and somehow guilty) at a wake than you did at the one you just attended for a handsome young man whose solitary portrait sat near his flag-draped casket, ... then your Marine may have just lost a good buddy. If 45 years of a full life never presented a prouder moment than watching your son confidently march across the parade deck on graduation day at Parris Island or San Diego, ... then you are definitely the very proud parent of a U. S. Marine. from Sgt. Grit's AMERICAN Courage Newsletter Wednesday, July 13, 2005
HOUSE CLEANING DAY May as well move on if you're looking for anything significant SENIOR MOMENTS Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me - I want people to know WHY I look this way: I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are? When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth - think of Algebra. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. Old age is when former classmates are so gray, wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you. If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old. First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down. ------------------------------- INCOMING Comments made in the year 1955: "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20." "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one." "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous." "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?" "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store." "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon? Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage." "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible tostay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls." "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it. "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas." "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president." "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now." "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet." "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work." "Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat." "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business." "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress." "The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on." "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel." "No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood." "If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, they can forget it." ~~ from Old Jimmy, Ayden, NC ------------------------------- DISORDER IN THE COURTS Another Chapter....... These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan. ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one. ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Would you repeat the question? ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh? ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. ------------------------------ ASININE PONDERABLES Author unknown -- Carlin or Wright are suspected Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream? If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window? ------------------------------ SUNDAY SCHOOL NOAH A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied Johnny."How could he, with just two worms." HIGHER POWER A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power.Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out, "Aces!" MOSES Nine year old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.Then, he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements.They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!" THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible: Psalm 23.She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Bobby was excited about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Bobby was so nervous.When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd and that's all I need to know." Give me a sense of humor, Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke, To get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folk. ------------------------------ Monday, July 11, 2005
LYNX™ to Look Over How the Shepard Saved the SEAL [HT Jenn Martinez] Saddam, Iraq and al-Qaida Protecting Sources Protects Everyone Minnesota's Becker County District Judge Thomas P. Schroeder of Detroit Lakes, Minn. Europe and the United States FLIP SIDES: Read 'em and choose a side Rove Already Convicted In The Press White House won't comment on Rove and leak investigation Really nice new house DoD -- Military: June Recruiting Why Be Ready For War? Hope for Internet Users in the Boonies Treating the Terrorists Badly Tuesday, July 05, 2005
HISS AND BOO Been putting off writing about the bitter disappointment of July 4, 2005 all day. Everything was on "go" for Monday morning when I went to bed Sunday night. I had laid out my "uniform" and pinned on my "ribbons" the night before in preparation for a smooth execution of ETD. But through a comedy of errors and classic communication breakdowns, I didn't get to Camp Lejeune for the Annual Celebration. Great expectations and preparations came to a cruel, disturbing conclusion. I was alternately irate, PO'd, hurt and heart sick all day and night yesterday. But in another lesson of "things aren't always what they seem to be", today I learned that a kind Cosmic Entity had intervened in my behalf and spared me a terrible experience. There was no Marine Corps Band Concert, no raising of the flag on Mt. Suribachi, no cannons accompanying the 1812 Overture, and, according to my eye witness, not even a large representation of Marines and community supporters. On the face of it, one would think that PC has attacked our beloved July 4th celebration. Whatever could be the reason for a North Carolina Symphony orchestra ursurping the usual inspiring patriotic exhibition? Who is the PR person who has "been trying for years to get the symphony for 4th of July"???? The grapevine tells me the PR person is a woman and I guess she is in reality shock today after the poor reception the show had. There was enough in the local newspaper in advance of the 4th to indicate that the USMC Band would not be on hand -- and hey!! -- that would have done it for me, had I known. If thousands of Marines, their families, and community supporters had wanted a symphony tribute to Broadway shows, they could have gone to Raleigh instead of Jacksonville. (For reports of a traditional Lejeune 4th, see Archives for July 4 [or 5] 2004 and 2003.) But I have adapted and overcome and found a good Marine story for you. Read about the Ragin’ Cajun. AL ASAD, Iraq (July 4, 2005) -- In January 1996, a young man from New Orleans enlisted in the Marine Corps without a high school diploma. Less than six years later he had a college degree and was a second lieutenant. He wasn’t done. “Why get out of the Marine Corps and go to school when you can take advantage of the programs the Marine Corps offers,” said Robinson. “[The Meritorious Enlisted Commissioning Education Program] is a great opportunity for Marines who have some college background and are looking to enhance their professional development while still wearing the uniform. The Marine Corps opened the door for me, but MECEP changed my life forever.” Go over and read the entire article. It's a good one. |