Musings of the Chronologically Challenged™ Fourth Generation

 
GOOD TUESDAY MORNING
(I missed Monday!)


>^..^< Here's a good start.

>^..^< Kudos and congratulations to Acidman on his new life!! I know he'll understand that this is my idea of a sincere and loving tribute.



FROM THE RECYCLE BIN

The ultimate response to a Dear John letter...you gotta love a man like this.
Humor in the face of defeat. And a fine story like this is much like a fine wine.

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter
from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.

The Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies
and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.

He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

God Bless America



DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."



INCOMING
from Christina, Swansboro, NC

AMERICAN IN PARIS REDUX

A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on bag.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready," snipped the Frenchman.

Mr. Whiting replied, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show my passport."

"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!" asserted the officer loud enough to draw attention.

The American senior gave the French customs officer a long hard look. Then he quietly explained: "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate your country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
posted by HCL at 12:50 AM

 
>^..^<

>^..^< Mid-Winter Blahs? Or what? Long gaps in posting here at Indigo Insights, also A Sailor in the Desert, plus Obnoxious Droppings. It appears the only active limb on our family tree is Greene Thoughts. That boy never gives out of adrenalin!!

>^..^< INCOMING from Ian, Salem OR: Tribute to Veterans

>^..^< Good News page

>^..^< Charming Guy likes Southern old time religion stories and Billy Joe Bob of Compleat Redneck aims to please. See January 23 and 25, back to back.

>^..^< Wondering if I'm the only one with sympathetic labor pains for Margi. Good job, Marg, on the reporting and the finished product! Congrats.

>^..^< La Shawn Barber opines on the Oprah flap; so does Mr. Helpful - just not as kindly as sweet La Shawn.

>^..^< UPDATE: Obnoxious Droppings came through with a post! Yeah!!!!!!!!
posted by HCL at 7:08 PM

 
TRIVIA-THON


Jan 1 Q. When it comes to champagne, what's a punt? A. The dome-shaped indentation in the bottom of the bottle.
Jan 2 Q. To what family of animals do the Chinstrap, Macaroni, and Gentoo belong? A. Penquin. All three are Antarctic penquins.
Jan 3 Q. What Hollywood actress, as an 11-month-old, was featured in a TV commercial for Gainesburger puppy food? A. Drew Barymore. She made her feature film debut at age five in Altered States in 1980.
Jan 4 Q. Which is the highest of the seven continents? A. Antarctica. Because of its thick ice cover, it has the highest average elevation of all the continents.
Jan 5 Q. How many White Castle hamburgers does a pound of ground beef yield? A. 18. White Castle, founded in 1921 in Wichita, Kasnsas is the oldest hamburger chain in the US.
Jan 6 Q. Who was the first person Madame Tussaud modeled in wax? A. Philosopher/writer Francois-Marie Arouet Voltaire, in 1777.
Jan 7 Q. Where was the greyhound dog breed developed? A. In ancient Eqypt. Images of greyhounds hunting deer appear in the tomb of the Egyptian pharaoh Amien, built between 2900 and 2751 B.C.
Jan 8 Q. What is the aptly named weekly journal published by the American Heart Association? A. Circulation.
Jan 9 Q. Who played a neighborhood cop who gets hit in the face with a pie intended for Alice Kramden in Jackie Gleason's very first televised Honeymooners skit? A. Art Carney -- before he assumed the role of Ralph Kramden's sewer-worker sidekick Ed Norton.
Jan 10 Q. In what war did Mary Edwards Walker -- the only woman ever awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor -- serve? A. The Civil War. The first female doctor in the U.S. Army, she served on the front lines and crossed enemy lines to tend to the wounded. Captured by the Confederates, she was freed in a prisoner exchange.
Jan 11 Q. How did the California wine country town of Hopland get its name? A. From the hops once grown there for brewing beer. Grapes replaced hops as the Mendocino County town's major crop in the 1970s.
Jan 12 Q. Why were ladies asked not to wear their hooped skirts and men not to wear their swords, to the premier performance of Handel's Messiah in Dublin in 1742? A. To make room for as many music lovers as possible. Demand to hear the oratorio -- with Handel directing -- was great, and space was limited at the newly opened Neal's Music Hall.
Jan 13 Q. What hulking basketball legend appeared in the fight scene opposite 5-foot-7 Bruce Lee in the 1978 film Game of Death? A. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, who had studied the martial art style known as Jeet Kune Do (Way of the Intercepting Fist) with Lee. The film was Lee's last.
Jan 14 Q. What plant root gave root beer its name? A. Sassafras.
Jan 15 Q. What was the first black-controlled company traded on the New York Stock Exchange? A. BET Holdings, the parent company of Black Entertainment Television (BET) in 1991.
Jan 16 Q. What famous religious leader wrote, "The time to keep silence has passed and the time to speak is come"? A. Martin Luther, the German priest who sparked the Reformation -- and after whom Martin Luther King Jr. and Sr. (who originally were named Michael Luther) were renamed in 1934.
Jan 17 Q. What was the Barbie doll wearing when it was introduced in 1959? A. A black-and-white zebra-striped swimsuit and stiletto heels. The doll sold for $3.00.
Jan 18 Q. What are the three key ingredients of the gourmet treat Turducken? A. Turkey, duck and chicken, as the name suggests. The dish contains three boned birds -- a turkey stuffed with a ducking, which in turn is stuffed with a chicken. Turducken recipes generally include three different dressings used as stuffing between the birds.
Jan 19 Q. What are the six official languages of the United Nations? A. Arabic, Chinese, English, French, Russian, and Spanish.
Jan 20 Q. What world-famous photographer took the first picture that appeared on the cover of the very first issue of Life magazine, in November 1936? A. Margaret Bourke-White. The photo was of the massive Fort Peck Dam, then under construction by the Army Corps of Engineers in Montana.
Jan 21 Q. In stamp collecting, what are cinderellas? A. Stamplike seals or stickers that have no postal validity. They include seals issued by charities and revenue stamps issued by governments.
Jan 22 Q. What baseball great received the highest percentage of votes ever cast for induction into the Hall of Fame? A. Pitcher Tom Seaver, who had 98.84 percent of the votes cast in 1992.
Jan 23 Q. What was the name of the Virginia mansion where first-lady-to-be Martha Washington lived with her first husband, wealthy planter Daniel Parke Custis? A. The White House. The mansion, on the Pamunkey River in New Ken County, is where the widowed Martha Dandridge Custis was living at the time of her marriage to George Washington.
Jan 24 Q. What was the $50 bet between editor Bennett Cerf and Theodor Giesel -- aka Dr. Seuss -- that resulted in the children's classic Green Eggs and Ham? A. Cerf bet Geisel that he couldn't write a book using 50 words or less. Geisel won.
Jan 25 Q. What federal building in Washington, D.C., has a larger-than-life frieze of Napoleon Bonaparte on a wall in its main chamber? A. The U.S. Supreme Court. The frieze is one of the 18 marble likenesses on the courtroom's north and south walls, depicting great figures in legal history. Napoleon's legal legacy is his 1804 Civil Code.
Jan 26 Q. What early colonial figure escaped slavery in Turkey before traveling to the New World to help found a settlement? A. Captain John Smith, who helped establish Jamestown, the first permanent English settlement in America, in 1607 while fighting for the Austrian army against the Turks in Transylvania.
Jan 27 Q. What is the literal meaning of the word antibiotic? A. "Against life." Antibiotics are chemicals made by microorganisms, that are used to treat bacterial infections by inhibiting or killing other microorganisms.

My adult grandchildren like to play "Stump the Granny" -- a game much like "Stump the Band", only with trivia instead of music. They give me far too much credit as a trivia expert, when it's a given that by the time one reaches my age, a lifetime of trivia is right up there bouncing around the synapses. The trick is to access the right synapse. Often I'll get a LD telephone call from one of the grandkids to "settle" a debate or a bet with one of their peers. It seems to be easier to dial up granny than to google! At Christmas my granddaughter gave me a 2006 desk calendar of trivia. You know the kind -- 365 sheets with a trivia question of the day on each tear off page. Today is January 26 and I have known answers to only January 3, 7, 10, 11, 14, and 20, So how do you do on trivia? How many did you know?
posted by HCL at 5:15 PM

 
CONTINUING IN THE HEALTH FIELD - - - -


INCOMING
from Ian, Salem, OR

MEDICAL INSURANCE EXPLAINED

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye.

Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. The doctors basically fall into two categories--those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and a diploma from a third world country.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all your risking is the $20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a shot.

Q. Will health care be different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
posted by HCL at 5:13 PM

 
PURPLE HEART

Back from MIA with a Purple Heart, here's a feeble attempt at a long overdue post. I'm trying to learn to function PWI (Posting While Impaired). This narcotic thing is a new experience for me. A couple of doctors suggested Percocet to me over the last few years, but I declined their scripts, wanting to postpone addiction as long as possible. After one of them prescribed Bextra, I went into a manageable pain phase that lasted until Bextra was voluntarily pulled from the market by Merck last year. Can't really blame them, since they were already in class action suits with Vioxx and Celebrex to the tune of millions of dollars. I think they yanked Bextra preemptorily since it was one of the dreaded Cox II drugs, as were Vioxx and Celebrex. In all the ensuing hoopla following some patients on the drugs experiencing heart attacks and even deaths, specifics were not widely publicized. What I'd like to know is some numbers. How many of the millions of patients who were prescribed Cox II scripts actually had heart attacks? And more interesting would be the data on how many patients had no ill effects at all. That would be the group I fell into: those who benefitted. I received a fiesty email from a friend who's been following my case. He stated the following:

"Every time I get up all stiff and sore I think of you and the misery of your back pain. I try not to be vindictive, but I fail. I wish each and every ambulance chasing lawyer a very long life of intense back pain, and I'll throw in a permanent gout session too, the inability to obtain painkillers, the financial ruin of not being able to work nor the means to end their misery. These were the tenets of their life when they took up the cudgel of litigation that has put our pharmaceutical business offshore, taken medications off the shelf, discouraged further research and has driven good doctors and medical service away. They've been robbing the rest of us with their self serving money grabbing lawsuits while serving very few legitimate cases and enriching themselves beyond our wildest imaginations. May they roast in a special hell after they've suffered a long and painful life. It's one thing to ban a substance like Bextra from OTC, but unconscionable to take it away from prescription availability by yielding to the least common denominator, the litigator."

That pretty much sums up exactly how I feel, but I could never had said it as well.

And to quote one of my favorite bloggers over at Sleepless Mind - - - -

"more later...Maybe"
posted by HCL at 9:05 PM

 
>^..^<


>^..^< Every morning meditation therapy.

>^..^< Swann, Swann, He's our Man! Rah, Rah, Rah!!!

>^..^< In his own inimitable way (no censorship whatsoever!) GOC-Winston Salem has a listing of HIS 2005 Awards.

>^..^< Charming has some charming pictures of some of the charming people who attended the charming Catfish Manor Seafood and Musical Festival. (I will need a dozen Clorox bubble baths to get UN-green!!!)

>^..^< If there is a convenient bullet, go ahead and bite it. I'm cleaning out the InBox!! You are warned.



INCOMING


From Karl, Hubert, NC

HAPPY CHANUKAH
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His father took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it."

After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said, "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."

The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

The rabbi said, "Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked."



From Susan, Greensboro, NC

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?...
(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10
(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10
(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. -- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
(1) Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
(1) When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7
(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. -- Curt, age 7
(3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(1) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
(1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is.....

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
(1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. -- Ricky, age 10



From Old Jimmy, Ayden, NC

REFLECT ON THESE......
"Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they have already been stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other," - Robert Benchley®
My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.®
My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter and I used to eat it raw sometimes too; our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting ecoli.®
Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.®
The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.®
We all took gym, not PE... and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Keds (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.®
Flunking gym was not an option... even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.®
Every year, someone taught the whole school a lesson [and provided comic relief] by running in the halls with leather soles on linoleum tile and hitting the wet spot. How much better off would we be today if we only knew we could have sued the school system.®
Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention. We must have had horribly damaged psyches.®
I can't understand it. Schools didn't offer 14 year olds an abortion or condoms (we wouldn't have known what either was anyway)®
What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.®
I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.®
I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.®
I must be repressing that memory as I try to rationalize through the denial of the dangers that could have befallen us as we trekked off each day about a mile down the road to some guy's vacant lot, built forts out of branches and pieces of plywood, made trails, and fought over who got to be the Lone Ranger. What was that property owner thinking, letting us play on that lot? He should have been locked up for not putting up a fence around the property, complete with a self-closing gate and an infrared intruder alarm.®
Oh yeah... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!®
We played king of the hill on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48 cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked. Now it's a trip to the emergency room followed by a 10-day dose of a $59 bottle of antibiotics and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.®
We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked (physical abuse) there too and then we got butt spanked again when we got home.®
Mom invited the door to door salesman inside for coffee; kids choked down the dust from the gravel driveway while playing with Tonka trucks. (Remember why Tonka trucks were made tough .. it wasn't so that they could take the rough Berber in the family room), and Dad drove a car with leaded gas.®
Our music had to be left inside when we went out to play and I am sure that I nearly exhausted my imagination a couple of times when we went on two week vacations. I should probably sue the folks now for the danger they put us in when we all slept in campgrounds in the family tent.®
Summers were spent behind the push lawn mower and I didn't even know that mowers came with motors until I was 13 and we got one without an automatic blade-stop or an auto-drive. How sick were my parents? Of course my parents weren't the only psychos. I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.®
To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that? We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes!®
We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?®
LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA!


From Brenda, Atlanta

THE WORLD TODAY
Let's see if I understand how the world works lately... If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the restaurant. If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company. If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender. If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television. If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer. And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline. I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore. So, if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer, I want all of you to blame Bill Gates...okay?
posted by HCL at 12:02 PM

 

posted by HCL at 12:16 PM